Why You Feel Tired but Can't Relax (And What Helps)
Understanding your nervous system is the key to unlocking deeper rest
12 minute read
Earlier this year, I felt stuck. I would wake up in the morning and want nothing more than to stay in bed. Within a few minutes of waking up, my mind was already racing with thoughts about work. I didn’t feel very rested. I showed up to work on time, and I knew I could solve whatever issues came up, but my body felt stiff and on edge. After work I would attempt to exercise, even though exercising had not made me feel better in weeks. Many days I would get stuck on my computer or phone after dinner, or would lay down in bed watching TV, before I couldn’t justify being awake anymore. I would go to bed worried and wake up worried. I felt increasingly hollowed out and exhausted from the inside out. I came to identify with the phrase “tired but wired.”
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What Does “Tired but Wired” Mean?
The phrase tired but wired is a paradox. When we were kids, resting when we were tired was simple. As adults, the way we experience stress can make energy management more complicated. You may be feeling physically exhausted, and feeling restless. You may be fatigued, and unable to fall asleep quickly. You may scroll your phone to get a break, but find that you don’t feel relaxed while scrolling.
Polyvagal theory can be a helpful framework to understand why it feels impossible to shift our bodies into a lower gear. This theory is all about our experience of safety, which affects how our nervous system functions. The more safety we experience, the more our nervous system can down-regulate, or rest. When we perceive risks, threats, or stressors, the nervous system activates our bodies to respond.
In a tired but wired state, your nervous system is not at rest, because there aren’t enough perceptions of safety to trigger down-regulation. This kind of perception is called “neuroception” in Polyvagal theory. Neuroception is a subconscious process of your body scanning for cues of threat and cues of safety.
Tired but wired is not a formal diagnosis, but it is a common experience that can be therapeutically addressed.
Why You Feel Tired but Can’t Relax
If you've ever wondered, "Why am I always tired but can't relax?" you're not alone. This experience is often associated with chronic stress, anxiety, burnout, and a nervous system that has remained in a prolonged state of activation. Oftentimes the reasons for feeling this way are complex. There could be a number of psychological, behavioral, or physical variables that are influencing how you feel, and you shouldn’t assume a single cause. In this article, I will go over reasons why the body often cannot experience deep rest when under stress, symptoms of the tired but wired cycle, how to break that cycle, and when to seek professional help.
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Chronic Stress Keeps Your Body on High Alert
Ongoing stress can result in our bodies being constantly prepared for action, even when there is no immediate threat. Some examples of ongoing stress include:
Work or performance-related stress
Caregiving
Financial pressure
Relationship conflict
Major life transitions
Socio-political realities and events
Anxiety Can Make Rest Feel Impossible
Anxiety is the body’s natural response to stress. Nervous system activation is often described as the “flight or fight” response, but it can be more broadly conceptualized as an increase in anxious energy. Anxiety teaches us to anticipate threats and danger, and when the stressor is short term, anxiety can actually be helpful to adequately respond to the issue. But when the stressors are ongoing, anxiety becomes maladaptive.
Maladaptive anxiety often presents as racing thoughts, difficulty “turning off” your mind, feeling guilty when resting, and constant planning. When these elements are a regular part of your internal experience, you may be at a loss for how to actually relax.
Unchecked Screen Time Keep Your Nervous System Activated
In today’s culture, we are all conditioned to check our phones whenever we have some down time. Scrolling has become a way to mentally disengage from our current reality, and we often scroll or compulsively use our phones when we mean to take a break. Relaxing after work has come to mean binging TV shows instead of just watching an episode or two. Many people are noticing that these habits are actually making them feel worse. Responding to constant notifications, endless scrolling, auto play, and the information overload that comes from screen time are all contributing to the tired but wired state. All of this stimulation, especially when taken in conjunction with other stressors, can trigger neuroceptions of threat and overwhelm. This is exactly the opposite of what needs to happen for our bodies to relax. Using our phones, or other technology, excessively during our down time may make it difficult to transition into deep rest.
Your Lifestyle Habits May Be Contributing
Feeling tired while unable to relax is often caused by many variables. You may be engaging in daily habits that don’t seem all that disruptive, but taken together, they may be triggering neuroceptions of risk and danger. This is keeping your body on high alert.
Some lifestyle habits that may be contributing factors include:
Irregular sleep schedule
Any amount of caffeine
Any amount of alcohol
Overall nutrition
Sedentary lifestyle
Over-active lifestyle
Overcommitting your schedule
Sometimes There’s an Underlying Medical Cause
If you are experiencing persistent and significant symptoms, please consult your doctor or healthcare provider. Fatigue can be associated with a variety of medical conditions or medications. Receiving a medical evaluation when symptoms are new, severe, or unexplained is always a good idea. Therapy is often a compliment to medical treatment, especially when psychiatric medications may be needed to stabilize how you are feeling.
Personally, I only saw consistent symptom improvement after I went to my doctor who prescribed a medication for anxiety.
Signs You’re Stuck in the “Tired but Wired” Cycle
You’re exhausted but can’t nap. You feel pressure to continue doing something whenever you try to relax.
You wake up feeling unrefreshed. No matter how long you sleep, you don’t seem to feel any more energetic.
Your mind races at bedtime. Your brain is still working to solve problems that cannot be solved while you are laying in bed.
You procrastinate because you’re mentally drained. You have a hard time getting tasks started due to mental and physical fatigue.
You feel guilty for resting. Relaxing does not feel like an appropriate response to what is going on in your life.
Small tasks feel overwhelming. Cleaning up dinner used to happen automatically, now it feels like a mountain to climb.
You rely on caffeine to function. You are having more than 200mgs of caffeine each day, and can’t imagine going without your normal amount.
You scroll your phone instead of relaxing. Or, scrolling on your phone is the only time you permit yourself to pause other tasks.
How to Break the Cycle
Stop Expecting Yourself to Function Like You’re Not Stressed
In many cases, chronic stress is not your fault. When you are in the thick of a stressful time, it makes sense that your normal functioning is going to be impaired. The symptoms you are experiencing are normal given the current circumstances. You may need to radically alter your expectations around what is possible given your current level of stress. While chronic stress is rarely your fault, it is your responsibility to manage, and this includes managing expectations.
Create Small Moments of Recovery Throughout the Day
Taking breaks is key to recover from chronic stress. The longer of a break you can take, the more recovery you will experience. Most of us can’t financially manage taking a long break from a stressful job, but we can create opportunities for micro-breaks each day.
Mindfulness is one of the best skills to learn and practice to create moments of rest. This skill requires you to focus on your immediate sensory experience while de-prioritizing thoughts. Mindfulness allows you to disengage from a stressful mental experience at any time, by shifting your focus to something in your environment: the feeling of your feet on the floor, ambient sounds, or any number of sensations occurring in the present moment. In order for mindful moments to stick, you need to practice creating them over and over again. It is normal to experience a mindful second or two before being swept back up in thought again. With practice, you can experience longer mindfulness moments.
There are other ways to create moments of rest throughout the day. One of my favorites is getting outside whenever possible, and no matter what the weather. Nature provides ample opportunities to drop out of thought and into a rich sensory experience. You can sit outside or take short walks outside to create moments of recovery.
Photo by Arek Adeoye on Unsplash
Listening to music, deep breathing, and stretching are some other ideas. The key is not automatically moving from task to task without taking some moments of pause. For a break to truly feel like a break, technology use should be minimal. Otherwise, you are just trading one form of stimulation for another.
Practice Letting Your Mind Slow Down
Mindfulness is one of the best ways to teach your brain to slow down. The goal with mindfulness is never to clear your mind. After a lot of practice sometimes this does occur, and you can relish in the experience when it does. But for the vast majority of people, thoughts will continue to pop up and try to sweep you away no matter how much you practice mindfulness. This doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong! Mindfulness is an opportunity to notice all the thoughts coming through your consciousness instead of automatically identifying with them. It is this space between thoughts, and the act of noticing a thought, that can be quite restorative.
There are other ways to slow down the mind that function similarly to mindfulness practice, or that can be used in conjunction with a mindfulness practice. Journaling, yoga, and progressive muscle relaxation are all well-researched practices that help you gain awareness and allow your mind to slow down. Prayer and simply sitting in quiet reflection are also great ways to slow the pace.
Build a More Sustainable Relationship With Technology
Technology is clearly an asset to our lives. However, many technologies are also designed to be habit forming, addictive, and excessively stimulating to the human brain. Many people notice a positive change in their wellbeing after moderating technology use. You don’t need to get a “dumb phone” and delete all of your social media accounts in order to see a benefit.
Ideas for improving your relationship to technology include:
Screen-free meals.
Notification boundaries. Consider disabling most or all app notifications, or utilize “do not disturb” functionality.
Experiment with a screen-free bedtime routine. Turn off all screens at least an hour before your desired bedtime.
Try app-blocking solutions that work like Brick or ClearSpace.
Consider deleting social media apps from your phone (access them from a desktop instead).
Schedule intentional downtime without screens.
Notice the Stories You Tell Yourself About Rest
Our beliefs often show up in sneaky ways. A part of you may have come to a conclusion about life a long time ago, or maybe you made a promise to yourself as a child. Beliefs formed from these experiences may be coloring your thoughts and actions in a subconscious way.
Therapy is one method for uncovering and shifting these unconscious beliefs. Mindfulness and journaling are also excellent tools.
Some common beliefs we hold include:
“I have to earn rest.”
“If I stop, everything will fall apart.”
“Being productive creates my worth.”
When Tired But Wired Turns Into Burnout
When we are under chronic stress, the first level of nervous system activation (flight or flight) is meant to give our bodies the energy needed to solve the problem. When the problem is ongoing, or cannot be solved, our nervous systems may move to the next level of activation. In Polyvagal theory, this is referred to as the “freeze” state; a state where we feel immobilized in the face of a threat. In modern life, we often equate this with burnout. Burnout is emotional, cognitive, and physical exhaustion that does not have the same kind of anxious energy as the “tired but wired” state. Burnout is characterized by:
Feeling detached
Reduced motivation
Decision fatigue
Loss of enjoyment
According to Polyvagal theory, recovering from burnout involves the body passing back through the tired but wired state before coming to a state of regulation. Many people feel hopeless when this happens, because it seems like nothing is working. Moving from a state of burnout, to feeling tired but wired, is actually a sign that you are moving in the right direction.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy can help you navigate coping with the symptoms of stress. Therapy can also be a depth-oriented healing process that supports you in creating the best version of yourself and creating a maximally meaningful life. Whether you have been stuck in a state of burnout for months, or you have recently started feeling tired but wired, therapy may be helpful to get you back on track. A skilled therapist will support you in identifying patterns and reconnecting with a sense of balance.
Some signs that therapy may be beneficial include:
Stress feels constant.
Anxiety interferes with daily functioning.
Burnout keeps returning.
You struggle to relax even when circumstances improve.
Your relationship to technology is getting in the way of other tasks.
Procrastination is causing issues at work.
Perfectionism or people-pleasing make rest difficult.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why am I exhausted but can’t sleep?
Your nervous system may be stuck in an activated state. Without sufficient cues of safety, your body will try to run itself into the ground in service of solving the stressors in your life. You may need to experiment with various psychological and physical interventions to support your body winding down for sleep.
Is being “tired but wired” a sign of anxiety?
Treating the tired but wired state as a symptom of anxiety makes a lot of sense from a physiological perspective. Anxiety can be a diagnosable condition that indicates persistent symptoms over a significant period of time. A therapist can help you explore how anxiety is connected to feeling tired but wired, and help you figure out a plan to heal. Remember, anxiety is a normal human emotion in response to a threat or stressor. It becomes maladaptive, and can become a diagnosis, when it persists over a long period of time.
Why do I feel guilty when I rest?
You may be holding a belief about whether you truly deserve rest. Or, your identity may be very dependent on working, providing, and doing, so resting feels wrong. It is important to remember that rest is a prerequisite for wellbeing and health. Acting from a rested state may improve your productivity and efficiency.
Can therapy help me stop feeling constantly overwhelmed?
A skilled therapist will be able to help you unpack why you are constantly overwhelmed, and help you make a plan for change. Finding the strength and energy to change is not easy. Nothing about being stressed is easy! However, having a professional on your support team can make the difference between you creating a life that doesn’t overwhelm you, and just moving along with the status quo that is burning you out.
Final Thoughts
Feeling tired but unable to relax can be frustrating and discouraging. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy or failing at self-care! Often, it’s a sign that your mind and body have adapted to prolonged stress. The road to healing will involve creating new cues of safety so that your body can remember how to shift into a lower gear.
If you feel stuck in a cycle of chronic stress, anxiety, or burnout, therapy can help you understand what’s keeping your nervous system on high alert and support you in building a life where rest and energy become more accessible. You don’t have to figure it out on your own.
Sending love your way,
Jess
